Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
