batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
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You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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