I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
