Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
