i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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