sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
