when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
