My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize