it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
