i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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