Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
