dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
