and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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