I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
