Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
