Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
