why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
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