Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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