she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
