Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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