things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
