Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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