I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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