i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
