Please, let me fuck your mom
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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