its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im six kinds of drunk right now
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
