Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
