saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
