So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
