I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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