I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
