yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
