He asked me if I "almost moaned"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
