it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
