Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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