come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Help. Why am I so naked?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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