those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
