I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
