I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
PANTIES FOUND
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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