Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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