my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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