i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
