How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I would fuck him just for his dog
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
