She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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