i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
