A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
