I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?