Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
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I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
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I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings