ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
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I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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You made out with two different species that night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.