I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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