totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
