Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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