You just made me feel so damn special
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
