Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
