I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
