they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
