I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
