I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
