The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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