i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
